This is the spot where I'll attempt to explain this particular lifestyle, as much as I can anyway. I wrote the following as an explanation to my boyfriend after he discovered my fetish. Since I'm much better at writing than speaking, I had decided to give him a letter. This is that letter.
I hope it'll help others in explaining the "Why" behind this fetish.
Thanks for reading.
Eric
The last couple of weeks I have been racking my brain to come up with an idea of how to explain my fascination with diapers. I've never had to before, other than to myself, and I only need a superficial kind of explanation to satisfy my mind. However, I wrote this for you in hopes that you will understand this part of my personality better. I hope it works; if not, at least I'll have given you a letter spelling out how I feel, as my spoken words always fall short of what's in my head.
For the most part, I’ve always enjoyed bucking the system, seeing around the unspoken statutes that plague our society and tell people what they can and can’t do, who they can be, and what is possible. And I’ve always wondered “Why?” Why is the world structured like this, why are people who are different shunned rather than embraced? After all, isn’t that the corner stone of evolution and growth, embracing the differences between us rather than trying to snuff them out?
Just like with my attraction to boys, my attraction to diapers started at a very young age. As far back as I can remember I wanted to wear one again, was intrigued by the fact that I had worn one, but didn’t remember it, didn’t remember what it felt like. And I succeeded in finding a diaper and wearing it, unfortunately it was part of an experiment, a dare really, that involved my cousins and sister, and me being the first one to put it on. It didn’t matter to me really if none of them ever tried it on, the dare was a pretext for my own desire to wear a diaper. I don’t remember how old I was at the time, probably younger than ten because I was still in elementary school. Well, of course, my parents caught me; I think my sister told them what I was doing. And my mother asked the question I wanted to hear but did't get to answer truthfully: “Do you want to put back into diapers?”
I’ve always found this type of question strange, because the asker usually doesn’t seek a truthful answer but instead the answer the asker wants to hear. It’s the same question asked by a parent who has caught their son wearing girl’s clothes: “Do you want to be a girl?” While the answer may be obvious to the child, there’s a tone and facial expression in the parent or guardian asking the question that orders only one response: “No.” So, instead of asking why the child felt the need to experiment with diapers, the clothing of the opposite sex, or any other number of things, the parent punishes the child for experimenting, something all children do and should be encouraged to do, as long as their safety is not in jeopardy.
Anyway, I’ve gotten a bit off track, but that’s my first experience with a diaper that I can remember. Though I do have fractured memories of being in daycare desperately wanting to be taken to the baby room and treated like a baby, wanting to wear a diaper, play with their toys. Babies, after all, are never forced to play with each other, they are free to do their own thing, and then they don’t have to mess with that strange room where everyone goes to do their business. I hated and feared bathrooms. Don’t know where that fear came from but I know it was there, and remains there to this day, albeit in a more muted, manageable kind of way.
So, why the desire to be in and see other men in diapers? Because they’re not supposed to be in diapers. I like the juxtaposition of two incongruous images: an adult man (who’s supposed to be master of his own universe, mind and body) and a baby (who is not expected to do anything but be cute and curious). Put these two images together and you have something that is not a part of the structure of normal society; it is something that nearly everyone desires but does not take that desire to the extremity of putting on a diaper. Many of the adults I know hate being an adult. Too much is expected of you, you have to succeed, you have to be mature, you have to be serious. While not everyone wants to go back to being a child, I know many do because everything was taken care of for them and they were free to imagine the impossible, let their creativity go wherever it wanted to.
Personally, I find it intriguing and sexy when a man does something that goes against the stereotype of manliness. I’ve never been attracted to more feminine men, not that I dislike them; they’re just not my taste. I tend to go for men who have a soft side and who aren’t afraid to express it. As I said above, men are supposed to be masters of their own private universe, in control of everything. The idea of losing control, whether willingly or by force, is something that is considered to be emasculation. The idea that a man would enjoy this type of emasculation is a complete turn on. Of course, my form of emasculation stops when the man puts on a frilly dress; that’s not the type of emasculation I’m talking about here, and while I say “each to their own desire” I know it’s not for me. Seeing a man in Spiderman underoos (or in a footed sleeper with toy trains on it, or in diaper with Sesame Street characters on it) is very hot precisely because he is no longer considered a “man” by society’s standards; thus, he has been emasculated.
I’m not a dominating type of person, so don’t expect me to don leather and grab a whip anytime soon, but I still like the image of a man dressed as a toddler. It’s kind of akin to seeing the softer side of a hyper-masculine man. You know, that part in movies or television shows where a character whose masculine posturing has been stripped away to reveal a person in pain, struggling with their own loneliness, their own sense of confusion. It demonstrates that they are nothing more or less than a human being.
There are many types of this kind of revelatory scene within the arts. The AB or DL just takes that same scene and goes a bit further, taking the image of a man emasculated, turning the symbol into a reality, well a reality within the context of roleplaying, and in the end that’s what being ABDL is about, engaging in a roleplay fantasy. Just like some people like to play “Patient and Nurse,” others like to play “Baby and Daddy.” It's a fantasy, nothing more, nothing less.
